"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam."
"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?"
"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat."
"People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think."
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”"
"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
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