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Carlin Quotes

Georges Carlin's Best

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

" It’s never just a game when you’re winning."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?"

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."

"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat."

"The status quo sucks."

"The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”"

"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

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