Patsy: I'm phoning the clinic. Emergency liposuction, please. I'll book you in for collagen lips at the same time. I want you to find out how painful it is.
Eddie: And do you know, darling, the real problem started, sweetie, because I wasn't even breast-fed. Mother: Oh, don't be ridiculous, dear. It wasn't done in those days. Mother: Imagine me having that clamped to my breast. Eddie: Mmm... I want better for you, darling. I want better for you, I don't want you ending up like me, with all my complicated, but still rather marvelous hang-ups. I don't want that, sweetie. I don't want that. At least you were breast-fed. Saffie: Was I? By whom? You told me your milk dried up, your tubes blocked and your nipples dropped off. Eddie: Well... Well, they did, they did! Saffie: So who was I breast-fed by? Not one of the many saggy-tittied hippies who lived with us at the time, I hope. Eddie: Darling, it was a commune. That was the point. Anyway, sweetie, I mean, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they? I mean, you're alright, aren't you? Sweetie, you're alright, aren't you? Saffie: How many? Which ones? Eddie: It doesn't matter, they've all died of overdoses since. I mean it doesn't matter. Anyway... Anyway, sweetie, can I just say that at least you're not fat like me.
EDDY: What is this Nazi book of child-rearing, you're using? Sleep, shit, eat, talk, smile! What is it? Do not deviate! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Gina bloody Ford! SAFFY: Yes! What was in in your day, Dr. Spock? EDDY: Dr. Spock! Don't be ridiculous! Dr. Spock? What, "Dr. Spock's Vulcan Book Of Child-Rearing", darling? Yeah, sure! What? Raise a child that can render you unconscious by pinching your neck? I don't think so, darling!
BUBBLE: Oh, what a weekend I have had! Request, request, request. Elton John's invited me to his place in the south of France. I said "no thank you". His villa is like a halfway house to the priory. Will I go and keep Elizabeth Hurley company? Will I bugger! Has she got no friends of her own? EDDY: Who is this now? Who has she become?
PATSY: You know, darling, they treat stars as billboards. They're advertising, they're walking column inches. Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling, a business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know you're doing it but nobody else does.
EMMA BUNTON: Why haven't you changed the date? BUBBLE: It happens anyway... Sun comes up... sun goes down.
BETH DEWOODY: Beth DeWoody! The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass!!! PATSY: Patsy Stone! I hope you're wearing thick pants! EDDY: Edina Monsoon! Stand on the bloody bin bag!!
BETH DEWOOODY: Hello, my name is Beth DeWoody, and I just want to share a few horrors. At night I can't sleep, but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light!
PATSY: (sound of cell phone beeping) Oh Eddy!! Is it... is it a bee??? Is it a bee??? Kill it Eddy!! (Eddy pulls her cell phone out of her pocket) Oh it's a small shoe.
KATY GRIN (on TV): Hi I'm Katy Grin! And these are carpets! Come down now to Carpet Madness. It's carpets! It's madness! At Carpet Madness! Just carpets! It's madness, madness now!!! Sale starts Friday.
EDDY: I know the kind of little play you will have written. It'll make "Mommie Dearest" look like "Winnie The Bloody Pooh".
(To Saffy) EDDY: With any luck we'd get Roman Polanski interested in you. PATSY: She was never young enough for him.
PATSY: What will you drink if you stop drinking? EDDY: I shall drink water. [pause] EDDY: It's a mixer, Pats. We have it with whiskey... I mean, YOU've given up drinking before. PATSY: Worst eight hours of my life.
SAFFY: Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts have been put on stadiums. I mean, for God's sake, 500,000 were mobilized in the Gulf and a war fought and won in less time without everyone included having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers. It cannot be that difficult. EDDY: Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmine Le Bon. The generals didn't require big hugs after every maneuver and the whole thing did not have to be coordinated to rap and Japanese avant-garde bag-pipe music because, you know, darling, I think if it HAD, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? Hmm?...
EDDY: God, it's a rather depressing thought that you might live on after me, isn't it? You, huh. That's how I'm going to be remembered, is it? What, through you? SAFFY: Well what do you want, a statue? EDDY: YES. SAFFY: A great big, fat, ugly, armless statue? EDDY: [pause] I've got arms. I've got arms. I just want to bequeath something to the nation, that's all, not just you.
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